Words of Wisdom from Your Fearless Leader

I'm going to Nashville for the day.  So...

Dear Jake,
Please try to contain yourself for just this one day and don't do anything that requires a Twitter update, Christ.
Prophecy Grrrrrrl

In the Jake world, 5-year-old pictures of Jake propping himself awkwardly on a chair count as "newsworthy."

Last year I had rats living in the ceiling of my apartment.  I live above a garage behind an enormous house...the type of house that inspires people to gasp, "You live here?!" when they pull into the driveway.  And then they pull around the house to the garage.  And see where I live.  And the reaction becomes more, "Oh, this makes more sense."

The rats in the ceiling didn't bother me at first because a) they couldn't get inside the apartment itself, and b) I thought they were squirrels.  I would hear them at night running up and down the walls and considering the squirrel population around here, I rashly made an identification assumption.  Sometimes I would have people over and I would, with no shame whatsoever, say, "If you hear something weird, don't worry, it's just the squirrels living in the walls."

But then one day I mentioned the situation to my parents and my dad logically pointed out that rodents chew on things and if the squirrels were in the walls, they might be chewing up my electrical wires and there was a possibility I could die horribly in a fire one night while I slept.

So I contacted my landlords.  Who called the exterminators.  Who discovered they weren't squirrels, but rats, and yes they had been chewing on things, though mostly my landlord's beehives stored underneath my apartment.

A couple of weeks and a few dead rats around the yard later, no more crawling in the walls.

***

About a month ago, I woke up one morning to the sound of scratching, and not being the type to overreact to such things, my first peaceful thought of the day was, "Oh, the rats are back."

I tried to fall back asleep...but something about the noise just didn't say "rat" to me...so I opened my eyes and in the dim light of dawn I saw the biggest cockroach I have ever seen in my life running straight at my face across the pillow my head was on.

See, I also have a cockroach problem in my apartment.  The rats may have been fond of the beehives, but the cockroaches are fond of the piles of firewood that are stacked next to them.  Years of living here have hardened me, but even I can still be taken aback when one shows up in my bed.

I screamed an obscenity (which one is anyone's guess) and chased it down the entire length of my apartment but it WOULD NOT DIE.  I hit it and hit it and it WOULD NOT DIE.

"WHY WON'T YOU DIE?" I screamed.  "WHY."  *whack*  "WON'T."  *whack*  "YOU."  *whack*  "DIE." *whack*

Finally it died.

Since I was already up, I decided to go for a run, which was horrible.  And the next day, my legs were so sore I could hardly walk.  I think it was because of the adrenaline.

So I learned my lesson that you shouldn't try to run immediately after an adrenaline rush, and also that cockroaches and rats make very different noises when crawling around your room.

I am always full of useful information.