Dear Twitter, Jake Gyllenhaal is Not Dead So Shut the Fuck Up.

Twitter, the social networking site made "popular" by celebrities, Republicans, and whiny, emo teenagers (i.e. the three least likely groups on Earth to be in touch with reality), has made a name for itself by spreading dumb rumors about people dying when they haven't.

Twitter's latest victim is popular, blue-eyed American Jake Gyllenhaal.

ARRRGHHH.  So much death rumor fail going on here.

FIRST:  Time of death is so secondary to cause of death.  Whoever came up with this rumor should be banned from Twitter. 

SECOND:  OH WAIT.  I think we know who started this rumor, llindacrystal, who is terrible.  Everybody spam this bitch.

THIRD:  Notice Jake is not trending.

Which means he's not even getting any free publicity out of this.

Much like the people who impersonate him on Twitter, the people who start death rumors about Jake on Twitter are TERRIBLE at their jobs.  The end.

And also, don't worry.

 He's alive!