Jake Gyllenhaal: Proud Patriot

Here in the United States, we have many traditions.  We put our right hand over our hearts when we say the Pledge of Allegiance (see above).  We speak in loud, abrasive voices when traveling overseas (guilty as charged).  And every 4th of July, we gather together to drink cheap beer from cans, eat junk food, and set off fireworks...in other words, we act like we do every other day of the year, except with the added bonus of explosives.

This year, I will be celebrating the holiday weekend in the great state of Mississippi (don't judge), at a place where I will have no internet access for the next two days.  This means I won't be able to put up a post tomorrow and thus should leave you with something good to tide you over until Monday.  And since I posted a Jake Watch classic last weekend, what better way to celebrate this 4th of July than to kick off a TRUE SERIES OF MY GREATEST HITS?  (Hey, just because I'm on my solo tour doesn't mean I can't play some of the songs I wrote with the band.)

So today I share a Jake Watch post long heralded as supposedly the greatest thing I ever wrote.  (Seriously.)  Yes, I'm talking about a post I did about yet another American tradition:  the voting process.

In honor of this most American of American holidays, I hereby present to you, from November 7, 2006, the

JAKE WATCH ELECTION DAY SPECIAL!

If you happen to be an American today (or any day), then you probably already know that the first Tuesday in November in an even-numbered, non-Presidential election year can only mean one thing. Oh, yes, baby. Mid-term elections. And this year there's actually the possibility of a power shift so if you aren't voting, then you're a LOSER.

But because so many of our fine readers here are not American, and because as an American it is my duty to inflict my country's customs on the unsuspecting world community, I thought I would explain the U.S. democratic process for everyone today in terms we can all appreciate. Let us begin.

1. The Political Parties

Here in America, we have a two-party political system. We can't always tell the difference between the two parties, so we color-code them: blue for Democrats and red for Republicans. And if we can't tell which party something falls under, we mix the two colors together and call it "Independent." Let's let Jack Twist demonstrate:

Well done, Jack Twist. We'll see you again in a minute.

2. The Voting Process

The balance of power between these parties is decided by the American people. We elect representives to our government via the voting process. To help explain voting, here is Jake Gyllenhaal:

"When somebody turns the age they need to be to vote, they should be just as excited as they are when they turn the age to buy porno." source

That's the spirit, Jake! Yes! It really is that exciting! You can't even know how good voting is until you've done it yourself. What else, Jake?

"Voting is sexy. I think everybody should do it, and I want everybody to do it with me." source

Oooh, baby. Jake's right. When you vote with him, the experience is even better! That's because honestly, your one little tiny vote doesn't count for shit until it's thrown in with all the millions of other ballots from people who voted like you did (strength in numbers)! And Jake votes like me. Oh, baby, does he ever.

3. Erm, More of the Voting Process

So how do you cast your vote? Well, in this country, where religion never has any influence on our government, we go to our local churches to vote. We stand in long lines and then senior citizens put our information into a computer system (to make sure we aren't dead) before we are led over to the sacred voting booths. Once you go inside and close the curtain, it's just you and your ballot. Take all the time you need. Sometimes the choices are tough:

4. The Issues

But now that you know how we vote and for whom we vote, you probably want to know why we vote (besides the sexiness factor). We want people in office who are concerned about the same issues we are. Big issues in this election include:

The Environment
Gay Marriage

And One of Any Infinite Number of Wars We Are Currently Fighting

And so, compadres around the world, as you can see, Election Day is a Very Important Day for us Americans, and I'm sure you're all feeling really left out by now.

And Americans, I think we should all show the world, and Jake, how much much this day really means to us. I leave you with a set of pictures in which I hope you pick up on my subtle, one-word plea for the day (hint it's a four-letter word)...








VOTE!!!

 

Happy 4th of July to all the Americans reading!  And happy regular weekend to the rest of you!  I'll be back on Monday, so please don't leave me (I just found you again!).