JAKE GYLLENHAAL ALIVE - Facial Hair Alert Level Now HIGH

Jake Gyllenhaal was seen yesterday walking out of (if you can believe it) a grocery store:

It's been a month since we've last seen Jake, at which time his Facial Hair Alert Level was merely ELEVATED.  In his time away, the situation has deteriorated (see above) and for the protection of all involved, I am upping Jake to HIGH:

As usual, your fearless leader is on top of things and is fully prepared to spend every waking moment monitoring the situation.  At this point, my suggestion is that we all stay calm.  Should further action need to be taken, I will let you know...

I would like to dedicate this post to Jake, for having his picture taken; to Princess Sparkle Pony, for being brilliant, and to the Bush-era U.S. Department of Homeland Security, for not being brilliant at all.