Cooking With Jake Gyllenhaal!

Yesterday I was over at Gyllenbabble looking for any news I was missing (because in all my years as a fan, I have never learned how to look up anything for myself), and I ran across this recipe for meatballs, supposedly written by Jake Gyllenhaal, supposedly uploaded to "Hollywood & Dine" for no apparent reason (other than that Jake is so hot right now, ergo who wouldn't want to know about his meatballs?!).

Obviously, having seen the recipe, I immediately had to try it.  So I'm going to blog as I cook.  Here we go!

I made these to be added to tomato sauce to be served over pasta.

Alright stop.  Already I'm confused.  When did you make these Jake?  Whom did you make them for?  How can I be expected to follow through with this if I'm not even sure what you expect of me?  I guess I'll have to try to soldier through...

You can also make these in smaller sized meatballs to be served as an appetizer.

Appetizer?  Um, no.  Besides, it'll be a miracle if I get through the main course the way these directions are going so far. 

1 1/2 lb ground beef
2 slices white bread, crust removed
1/2 C pecorino romano
2 or 3 garlic cloves minced
1 tbs fresh parsley chopped
1 tbs fresh basil chopped
1 tsp kosher salt
1/2 tsp fresh cracked black pepper
1/8 tsp red pepper flakes
1/8 tsp cayenne pepper
2 eggs beaten

I went through my kitchen and found about half of these things.  And by "half," I mean I had eggs and bread.  That's close enough, yeah?  Moving ahead!

Preheat oven 375F

Done.  So done.

Gently mix all of the ingredients in a large bowl. Mix thoroughly, but don't crush it all together. You do not want to compact the mixture.

Mix?  Like in a bowl?  Nobody told me I had to have a bowl.  If I put my microwave on its side, can I use that?  I don't know that I can do this without compacting but, you know, I'm game.  Totally.  For whatever you want me to do.

Make about 12 meatballs. They will be around 2 inches in diameter.

Uhh...do mine have to look like that?  'Cause remember I'm missing some ingredients... 

Place on an oiled baking pan and and bake for 15 minutes (20 if you are not going to add them to sauce).

This I can do!

*20 minutes later*

Add to tomato sauce and simmer a few minutes before serving. 

Wait.  What?  No!  What do I DO, Jake?!  I don't have any sauce!  I'm not simmering!  You told me I didn't need sauce, Gyllenhaal!!

God, I don't know what went wrong.  I don't know that I can eat this.  I'm tragically upset right now.... 

Oh Jesus.  This is awkward.

Um, so, I really appreciate the effort you put in, Jake.  It was fun, it really was.  And I want you to know that I really enjoyed the time we spent together today.  I will always remember these meatballs, but I think I might want to see some other recipes.  It's not your writing skills!  It's my reading skills.  I just don't do well with...cooking...and I'm just looking for a little a little more...attention to detail...in my...recipes...

We should totally do lunch sometime!  Oh my God, I will so call you.  That's not even a question.  'Cause I don't want this to be weird in any way.  It's just that maybe, um, you shouldn't try to explain yourself and instead just do the cooking for me next time...  *cough*

Meatball picture from HERE.