Dear America, What Happened?

Looks like Prince of Persia will be coming in third at the box office this weekend in the United States.  That puts it squarely behind an animated ogre whose target audience wasn't even born the first time DreamWorks trotted him onto the big screen and a television adaptation that's getting almost as many headlines for its implied racism as for its thin storyline.

What can I say?  America likes its sequels.  (So how unfortunate that Prince of Persia's chances for one just got a little slimmer...)

On the upside, despite what those of us who live here like to think, the United States isn't the only country in the world, and Prince of Persia dominated the international market this weekend, pulling in far more than those other two movies combined, and finishing first in at least 40 out of 47 markets. 

And Prince of Persia is already the 11th highest grossing adventure movie set in the desert of all time.  So that's gotta be good, right?

Alright, I'm trying too hard to make this sound better than it actually is.  It's my fault.  I didn't start my "Stand With Jake...Or Die!" campaign until far, far too late.  I take complete and full responsibility for Prince of Persia's U.S. box office numbers this Memorial Day weekend.

I just hope Jake doesn't take any of this personally.  After all, the movie is a success for him any way you look at it; regardless of how many people see it, he got a LEGO out of the deal.

Yeah.  Still awesome.

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BREAKING: Jake Gyllenhaal Gets Into Car

One:  The look, the concentration, the tongue...he's going for the car door, but what will he do with it?

Two:  Such deliberation.  Maybe he'll open the door, maybe he won't...

Three:  The door is open!  I repeat, the door is open!

And...four:  He is in the car.  Amazing.  I've never seen it done so well.

After that he, presumably, drove away.  Incredible!

Personally, I was a little concerned about the hesitation I saw between frames one and two, but he pulled it out in the end.  Another successful car ride for Jake! 

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The First in Our 7 Billion Part Series: Things I Missed Earlier In The Prince of Persia Promotional Blitz

There's a lot to keep up with when you're a Jake Gyllenhaal fan, and I don't even pretend to be able to keep up with half of it.  That's why from now until the end of our lives, I will periodically post things that I should have posted sometime in the last two weeks. 

Today we look at this T4 interview, in which Jake gets very angry with the interviewer for asking him to relive that one time when he was a lifeguard and had to pee on someone's jellyfish sting.  Honestly, it's hard to watch...but what was I supposed to do?  NOT show this to you?  I wouldn't do that to you, even if it does mean exploiting Jake's pain. 

Take it away, Jake:

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Prince of Persia: The Most Video Game-Like Movie Based On A Video Game Ever

(Please excuse the tone shift for this entry.  I take my movie reviews very seriously!)

I will be the first to admit that I have, in the past, been critical of Jake's film choices.

His previous three movies (Zodiac, Rendition, and Brothers), in particular, seemed to be lacking.  Unpopular though the opinion may be (and trust me, I've heard loud and clear from those who disagree with me), I didn't feel his enthusiasm in those films.  I watched them and felt as though I was looking through to Jake underneath the characters he played.  In each, he seemed to be going through the motions.  I saw little genuine passion for the stories he was telling.

So how ironic that I wasn't critical of any of those movies when they were announced, but Prince of Persia had me baffled.  Why in the world would Jake Gyllenhaal risk his carefully crafted indie-boy, "serious actor" image on a big-budge Disney film where he was cast not for his acting chops, but because of his looks?  The horror!

But from the time I saw the first Prince of Persia trailer until last night, when I finally saw the movie, my mind has slowly been changed on that subject.  While he's said repeatedly (repeatedly!) in interviews that he did this movie because he wanted to have fun, for once, I actually believe his hype.  He meant it.  He actually looks like he's having a good time in this movie.  There is nothing about his character, Dastan, that seems strained, or unnatural, or made me think 'hey that's Jake Gyllenhaal up there acting his little heart out.'  Crazy as it may sound, to me, this is the best performance he's given since Brokeback Mountain.

That said, the problem is that Jake is leagues better than the movie he's in.  Granted there isn't a person alive right now who hasn't heard that this film is based on video game; I just didn't realize how much seeing it was going to be like walking through that video game.  There are quests, and bad guys to kill, and bosses to defeat before we move to the next level.  What there isn't is a clearly understandable storyline.  And while the action is non-stop from start to finish, there are (strangely) few truly memorable scenes or one-liners.  The movie just kind of there, almost-but-not-quite living up to its own ambitions, somehow moving too quickly and relying a little too much on close-ups of Jake and Gemma Arterton to show any real confidence in its audience to invest in the complicated (if flat) plot.

So no, it's not Oscar material, and yes, gamers may find the presentation more palatable than the average movie-goer...but hell, for 2 hours, Jake Gyllenhaal looks like he's having the time of his life in his chosen profession.  And for that, Prince of Persia is nothing short of a miraculous movie.

Thoughts?

____________

And now, because the mood of this post is already so somber, let us turn to The Pixel Project, which is a non-profit, volunteer-led organization that aims to brings global awareness about violence against women.

Currently, they aim to raise "US $1 million in aid of the USA’s National Coalition Against Domestic Violence and Malaysia’s Women’s Aid Organisation via an online fundraiser in which a 1-million pixel mystery collage of 4 to 6 globally known Celebrity Male Role Models will be unveiled online as donors 'buy' each pixel for US $1.00."

So how does ISJ fit into this?  Jake is one of 5 nominees whom we can vote for to be part of this collage, and The Pixel Project has asked us to help get the word out about the project and to vote for Jake (who is currently in third place...the shame of it!).

You can vote by clicking HERE, and I'll put a link in the sidebar a little later today.  Should Jake be one of the top two vote-getters, he will be sent an online petition, which you can sign HERE.  And because no good campaign is without a Facebook page, you can find that HERE.

____________

And now,  because I have a reputation to maintain and this has been entirely too serious so far, here is the BEST INTERVIEW THAT I MISSED during the Prince of Persia rounds.  This interviewer is amazing and all interviewers everywhere should aspire to be more like him.  In fact, after seeing this, I'm ashamed that I didn't dress up like Dastan (or Dastan, Jr.) to go to theater last night.  (Instead, I showed my support by wearing my "I was a gay cowboy before it was cool" shirt, because I'm committed like that.)

 
Huge thanks to Trijs for the YouTube find!!

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Our (Inter)National Holiday Continues!

I am off in a few minutes for a photoshoot and a very exclusive private screening of Prince of Persia (alright, only one of these two things is true...any guesses?), and I will be back tomorrow with much movie discussion!

In the meantime, here is the last of PopSugar's exciting "I'm A Huge Fan" series with Amanda (though I have it on very good authority that there is MORE exclusive Jake footage to come from these fine folks in the days ahead), and I couldn't leave without posting it: 

And I'm totally not crying right now.  Not at all!   The amount of happiness I have for Amanda is truly a great amount of happiness!

Ahem.  So anyway, I hope everyone is off doing their civic duty right now by bumping up the box office gross for the weekend (or Jake will kill you...see below).  I'm liking what I'm seeing in the comments from the last post -- GOOD WORK, SOLDIERS.  Till tomorrow...   

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Today Is an (Inter)National Holiday, AKA Prince of Persia Day, AKA Stand With Jake Gyllenhaal Day

GO FORTH, MY FELLOW JAKE FANS.  You know the odds.  You know the competition. The enemy must.  Be.  Destroyed.

Also, OMG HAVE FUN!  (It's not every day that Jake headlines a Disney blockbuster in the biggest movie market in the world.)   I'm so excited!  Finally I will learn in what context this photograph was taken!  Hooray!

P.S. Why the hell did I think it was a good idea to wait until tonight to see this?

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Like a Hedgehog Doing Karate

You are all on notice.  Every last one of you.  I spent this entire day not knowing that I missed out on the best part of Jake's appearance with Jimmy Fallon. And no one told me.  I am so ashamed!  How will I ever find the will to keep going now after this horrible oversight?  I have failed you all, and you have failed me, by not telling me that I was a failure.  *sad face*

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I'm a Huge Fan! Part 2, AKA PopSugar Continues to Slowly Kill Me With These Damn Videos

Here is Part 2 of Amanda's grand adventure of meeting this actor guy named Jake.  Personally, I've never heard of him, but she seems really excited.  So, you know, that's really cool for her.  And even though I have no idea who the guy is, the anticipation at the end of this video almost...made my heart stop...

*cough*  But I'm so still alive and so still not even remotely jealous of this amazing experience which is unlike any experience that any Jake fan has ever had, except for those Jake fans who have tons of money and get to hang out with him after donating thousands of dollars to the charity of his choice, but it's not like I'm upset that I'm too poor to hang out with Jake or that PopSugar ignored me when I offered to legally change my birthday if that meant that I could be the winner of their contest, and not that I'm saying Amanda is less of a fan than I am for sticking with her actual birthday and not being willing to go through the proper legal avenues, but maybe she is, and I seem to be rambling, but that's fine, it's all fine, I'm fine, someday I may even get over this but probably not.

And this is how much Jake cares:

Part 3 tomorrow!!

And now, with great and mournful sadness, I present the very last of the longest-running (and, judging by comment numbers, least popular) series in ISJ's 15-day history, The Daily Facebook.  What worthy question-asker has given us a question worthy of sending off this worthy series?  That honor goes to Levi "I belong to two different groups dedicated to the size of my arm muscles but my profile picture suggests muscle mass in any form is just wishful thinking on my part" Hayden Hargrove...who...wait...

That name sounds familiar.

AH, YES.  We all remember Levi.  Levi was complaining about how "dumb" all of the questions were.  I didn't realize that in addition to offering his commentary, he had also asked a question himself!  Well, Levi, I'm glad I found you and am now giving you a second opportunity.  Let's see what you wanted to have answered:

Why jake what ever the hell his last name is? They could of done better I thought.

ANSWER:  Seriously?  Seriously, Levi?  That was your question?  I don't want you to take this wrong way, but you may be the worst person who ever lived.

And that's it for Facebook questions!  Thank you to everyone who participated, and I apologize to the 400+ of you I didn't get to.  Maybe next time! 

So if the questions are over that can only mean one thing.  It's Prince of Persia time (in the U.S. and other selected countries) tomorrow!  Oh Em Gee, I am starting to freak out.

Seriously guys. I can't wait!!

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Prophecy Girl Live-Blogs Jake Gyllenhaal on The Early Show! Plus, Jimmy Fallon!

Before we get started, here's Jake's interview from Late Night with Jimmy Fallon last night:

Today's patented "Interview Moment When Jake's Quotes This Blog" comes at the 5:56 mark, when Jake says, "He can say anything and people will take it seriously...  Sometimes he just speaks nonsense..."  And even though he says this about Sir Ben Kingsley, it's hardly a coincidence that this is precisely what I said about Jake a couple of days ago.

And here we go!

UPDATE:  Video's up.


7:50 - The hosts of the show wage war with Jake action figures.  Complete with sound effects!

7:57 - The local news?  Seriously?!

8:02 - And...now we're talking about sunscreen.  Jake, who is "as hot as they get in Hollywod these days," will be on "in a few minutes."

8:11 - Jake's up next!  He's sitting complacently in the studio, but I missed part of that because there was a spider in my shirt and I had to freak out for a minute.

8:13 - It's Jake!  (Or rather, it's Jake being introduced.)

8:14 - Prince of Persia clip, which is a different one this time.  (I think.)

8:15 - The interviewer's name is Maggie as is Jake's sister's.  This must be discussed.

8:16 - Maggie whips out her action figure and...then there's a second action figure...and now the action figures are dancing...

8:16 - "What a huge change of pace!" Maggie says, regarding Jake's complete 180 in movie roles to take on this Prince of Persia thing, and not necessarily her excitement over getting to play with action figures on a news program.  Jake tells us (again) that he really doesn't want us to take him seriously.

8:17 - Jake discusses the horror of being objectified for his "buff abs and arms."

8:17 - Maggie, who came prepared with a newspaper for background reading, quotes Mike Newell, who said that he thought Jake was the "thinking woman's action hero."  Jake responds:  "I would hope every woman is thinking."  (This week, Jake has gone from quoting me, to quoting himself from recent interviews, to now quoting himself from ancient interviews.) 

8:18 - Jake digs on Sex in the City II, and then, because he reads all of my entries, he references my post from last night and calls Prince of Persia "more authentic" though not necessarily more realistic.

8:18 - The banner at the bottom brazenly reads "Pumped-up Prince" while Jake describes his deep, deep fear of ostriches and their pea-sized brains.

8:19 - Jake admits that he played the original Prince of Persia video game, but he disliked it so much that it was 20 years before he was able to bring himself to pick it back up again.

8:19 - Maggie asks Jake about his upcoming stage project, which catches Jake off-guard because he has no upcoming stage project.  He recovers by talking about Love and Other Drugs.

8:20 - Maggie brings out a City Slickers clip in which Young Jake takes off his shirt.  I can't really explain it, but somehow this interview has suddenly gotten really, really awkward.

8:20 - And it's over!

And here endeth the Prince of Persia live-blogs, which makes me kind of sad, though I must give Jake many kudos for being consistently entertaining in that many interviews in a row.  (I'm tired after just watching them all.)  I'll update this entry with the video as soon as I can find it...

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PopSugar Begs Me For Forgiveness. Literally.

I just got an e-mail from PopSugar and they were all like, "We're really, really sorry that we had to ruin your life by not making you the winner of our awesome contest to meet Jake Gyllenhaal, but in consolation here is a video of the girl who won, which will make you feel even worse about losing."

And I was like, "DUDE, you mean you looked up Jake news for me?!"  Because, as we all know, there's a merit badge for that:

Well done, PopSugar!  So here is the video which...I'm not going to lie, did kill a small part of my soul.  But in a happy way!  Amanda, where are you?  Come visit and tell us your stories!


And there are more PopSugar installments to come this week, and more pictures from the event can be found HERE, like the one below of Jake giving Amanda a cake for her birthday.  And even though Jake's never given me a cake for my birthday, I'm totally okay with this!  Completely...and totally...okay... *sobs* 

Now, our second to last Daily Facebook question...which comes from Christopher "Amongst my interests is BBC News Magazine" Chiu-Tabet:

Why does Gemma Arterton's character refer to 'the gods' when pre-Islamic Persia was monotheistic (Zoroastrian)?

ANSWER:  Hey Chris, just a heads up, but Jake's not really Persian, either. Apparently this movie isn't completely "historically accurate." I know, right? Who knew?!

Thank you for your question, Christopher!  Just one more to go now... How time flies. Speaking of which, I just realized that ISJ is 2 weeks old today! So now I'm even more upset that Jake didn't get me a cake...

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All the Jake Gyllenhaal Videos You Could Ever Want, Or "Bubble Boy is HUGE In Russia!"

Is there really such thing as too much Jake? Well, yes, in this case, because how are we supposed to digest it all? How are we supposed to take the time necessary to enjoy every moment, every word, every different definition of parkour?!

Here are the highlights from the past 24 hours:

Live with Regis and Kelly, Part 1, Or "Jake Relives His Painful Childhood"

Live with Regis and Kelly, Part 2, Or "Holy Smokes, Look At Jake Gyllenhaal!"

 
Jimmy Kimmel Live, Part 1, Or "Jake Purposefully Ignores Gabourey Sidibe On The Red Carpet"


Jimmy Kimmel Live, Part 2, Or "Uncle Jake's Pancake House Earns A Health Code Violation"


The Hour with George Stroumboulopoulos, Or "Man Is That Peter Sarsgaard Creepy"


(Note:  I originally read The Hour with George Stroumboulopoulos as The Hour with George Stephanopolous, and I got really excited thinking maybe Jake was going to talk about politics.  But no, that was just me being ignorant of Canadian culture.)

(Also note:  At the end of this clip, Jake again brings up his actual dagger that turns back time.  Pretty much everything Jake ever says in any interview I have already written about at an earlier date somewhere on the internet.)

And lastly, thanks to jbhoneebee, here's a good old-fashioned radio interview with Ryan Seacrest, Or "HOLY CRAP JAKE FINALLY ACKNOWLEDGES HIS CIVIL WAR ALBUM." (Starting around the 5:00 mark -- see earlier comment about me reporting on all of Jake's comments before he says them.)

I'M EXHAUSTED NOW from all of this Jake.  I'm going to go lie down and calm my nerves because let's not forget...there's still more to come.

Oh, that we live in an age of such riches!

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Prophecy Girl Live-Blogs Jake Gyllenhaal on Regis and Kelly!

OH do we have some catching up to do from yesterday, people.

But we'll get to that.  First things first.  Regis and Kelly!  Here we go...

9:01 - From the "action-adventure movie" Prince of Persia, JAKE GYLLENHAAL.  Everyone in the audience today is young and female.

9:04 - They're talking about Dancing with the Stars and Glee.  As if "other things in pop culture" are of any consequence when Jake is right there in the studio.  How can these people even concentrate?!

9:10 - We're still on Dancing with the Stars.

9:18 - Regis flashes us Jake's GQ cover.  Kelly admits, with much melodramatic sighing, that she's very happy with the Prince of Persia movie poster.

9:19 - There's a woman in the audience who wrote a play called Graceland.  Is this a shout-out to me in Memphis?  PROBABLY.

9:24 - Jake Gyllenhaal coming up next...

9:27 - It's Jake!

9:27 - Kelly calls him "very handsome."  Stop underselling him, Kelly!

9:28 - Jake reassures an intense Regis that he tries to be a "good uncle" to his niece, even though he neglects her by never visiting her in Brooklyn.

9:28 - Regis brings up Maggie's Oscar nomination and this is basically the exact same conversation as was had on Letterman...

9:28 - Jake gets weepy reminiscing about his childhood.  Maggie used to torment him by forcing him to lap milk from a bowl while she sang hits from the Broadway musical Cats.  Maggie still treats Jake this way.

9:29 - Commercial already!

9:33 - We're back.

9:33 - Regis laughs heartily at Jake's Prince of Persia costume, because he thinks it's even gayer than Brokeback Mountain.

9:34 - Jake reveals that it was nothing but devout prayer that paved the way for his implausibly overpumped muscles.

9:34 - Jake defines parkour as "free running."  (I will be keeping a running tally of how many different ways he defines this word this week.  We're currently 2 for 2.)

9:35 - 9:36 - Prince of Persia clip...

9:36 - That one minute clip took about a month to film.  'But there's more to the scene!' Jake protests, as if that makes it any less crazy that it took a full month to film one tiny piece of this enormous movie.

9:36 - Regis says "good luck" and that's it.  But not before Kelly totally macks on Jake.

The end!

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Minor Change in Live-Blogging Plans, And Other Things About Jake!

We don't have any new pictures of Jake walking into the Jimmy Kimmel Live studio today but we do have some pictures of him walking away a few days ago.  I'm sorry, but if Jake isn't actually live, then I can't be either, and I'm making that decision purely on principle, and not even considering at all how I'm maybe too old to stay up past midnight anymore.

So INSTEAD, I will live-blog Jake on Regis and Kelly tomorrow morning, which will hopefully be more better anyway.  You can tune in from your desks at work (if, you know, you have a job...which maybe you won't after spending all your time at work on this website but...priorities!)!

In consolation for missing tonight's show, here's a video of Jake, which was literally the absolutely first thing that popped up when I Googled his name (I'm very dedicated to hardcore Jake-research):




It includes a brief discussion of the merits of P90X so...definitely worth a watch!

And now, because it's that time of day again, we have the first of our last three Daily Facebook questions.  Today we hear from Alex "I'm one of those people who's really 'into' Farmville" Medina:

Is my mom in this movie?

ANSWER:  It's really, really weird that you asked this question Alex, because I was just about to ask my mom if she was in this movie, too.  Oh wait, no I wasn't.

Thank you, Alex!  Only two questions left now...  And not to worry, the Jimmy Kimmel interview will be up here at some point tomorrow because regardless of when it airs, it's like it didn't even actually happen until I offer my commentary on it, right?

P.S.  I totally forgot that Jake was all-freaking-over Canadian TV today!  We'll have to watch all of that tomorrow, too.  Lord, I'd better get a good night's sleep tonight...

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The Completely Superfluous David Letterman Video

I understand if none of you want to watch this, considering that my detailed live-blogging account from last night (now updated with screenshots!) makes watching the real thing completely unnecessary.  But just in case you're totally nuts and have an interest in actually watching Jake give the interview for whatever reason, you can see it below.

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PG Live-Blogs Jake Gyllenhaal on David Letterman!

Before we begin, I'd like to take a moment to discuss the subject of manners.  I know that not everyone in the world thinks that Jake is the most important person on earth (poor, poor misguided souls though these people may be), but Jake's going to be doing several more interviews over the next few days.  And if he's going to be doing interviews, he's going to be walking around quite a bit.  And if he's going to be walking around, then people are going to be seeing him.

This is the proper response to seeing Jake Gyllenhaal moseying his little three-piece-suited ass down the streets of New York City:

And this is the improper response:

NEVER TRY TO OUTSHINE THE GYLLENHAAL IN A PAPARAZZI PICTURE.  I will have this man fired immediately.

Now, also before we begin, we need to get our Daily Facebook question out of the way, so let's hear from Andy "I'm not afraid to publicly declare my love for Weird Al Yankovic" Roewe:

Oh can I get Gemma's phone number??????????? PLEASE :)

ANSWER:  What kind of insane person would leave a question that wasn't for Jake?!  I'm sorry, Andy, but I don't have time to deal with your crap tonight.

Is it 10:35 Central Standard Time yet?  No?  Dammit.

I'll be back then!

(I'm going to play a drinking game this week and you guys should play along!  I'm going to drink two beers for every interview Jake does this week wearing the shirt he wore on this morning's GMA interview.  That puts me at 4 beers so far.  I figure the live-blogging will be much more entertaining if I'm mildly intoxicated.)

And I'm back.

Hell, let's throw another picture in here.  'Cause why not?

And here we go!

10:35 - Welcome to The Late Show with David Letterman!  Which tonight will be known as The Late Show with David Letterman Who Is Very Lucky Because He Will Be Talking To Jake Gyllenhaal (And Also Dr. Edward B. Overton, Whoever That Is).

10:38 - Jake's competing with the Dalai Lama tonight apparently, in terms of evening entertainment in Manhattan.

10:41 - Am I really going to recap Dave's entire monologue?  Probably not.

10:44 - We see a shot of Jake from the last time he was on Letterman, when it was 2007 and he had a caveman beard.

10:56 - "We'll be right back with Jake Gyllenhaal, everybody."  WELL IT'S ABOUT TIME.

11:00 - It's Jake!

11:00 - Jake looks tiny as he shakes Dave's hand, but mostly because Dave is standing on a platform about six inches above the floor.  Jake then milks the crowd for applause, because he's really into that today.

11:01 - On to the history of the Gyllenhaal family.  Dave asks Jake about being born into his acting career and Jake admits that yes, "I was forced into it like slavery." 

11:02 - Dave tells Jake he doesn't care about his family.

11:02 - Dave tells the same story of meeting Jake's parents from the last time Jake was there, and Jake will have none of that.

11:03 - Jake brings up a fictional Uncle Larry and Dave about dies of laughter.

11:04 - Stephen!  Every time Jake goes on Letterman, Stephen somehow gets thrown into the mix.  We're all of 4 minutes in and the tradition continues.  (I think Dave might be fascinated by him, and I kinda want to tell him that I understand but he will eventually get over it.)

11:04 - Jake mentions Russia and he's laughing in such a manner that I'm expecting some reference to the Club Scene of YouTube Fame any minute now!

11:05 - But, um, I guess we're not going there.  Jake informs us that after reading some totally random book, he learned that Russians don't like people to laugh or smile.  Upon learning this, Jake was horrified, because he's incapable of doing anything but either, all of the time.

11:07 - And here are pictures of himself which he has brought to share.  The first one is a MUGSHOT.  Of Jake in a Russian getup.  Where is my screenshot of this already?!

Morning update:  Thank you, gyllenhaalic4jake!!

11:07 - Shot of Jake and a Russian Homer Simpson in front of the Kremlin.

11:08 - Shot of Jake scowling into a plate of food at his "favorite Russian restaurant."  (All of these are way too funny in execution for me to increase their humor value by making fun of them.)

11:08 - Talk of the corrupt Russian government.  Jake says he cannot confirm.  Is this because he's been corrupted by the government?

11:09 - Prince of Persia recap.  ALSO, Jake confirms what I said earlier about him actually having a dagger that turns back time.

11:10 - Jake admits that Disney defiled ancient buildings to build magical sets for Prince of Persia.

11:10 - Jake introduces the clip.  And...

11:12 - ...we're back.

11:12 - And we're done!  Dave wishes Jake well with his acting career.

That was very intense!  And with no drawn-out story of ridiculousness from Jake, either, but rather a myriad of topics covered in a consistently amusing manner!  My live-blogging skills are a bit rusty, I think, but overall a good time was had by all.

And now I have to go to bed. 

Picture of man mock-gaping at Jake's svelte, lithe body from celebrity-gossip.net.

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PG Expertly Analyzes Jake Gyllenhaal's GMA Interview!

It's hard work being a Gyllenscholar.  Hours of training are involved in learning to decipher the nuances.  Sometimes Jake will say something and the average law-abiding citizen might think, 'WTF?  That didn't make any sense!'  But someone as well-trained and as in-tune with Jake's feelings as me can hear that same thing and find clues in it to the mysteries of the universe.   

So let's take a look at Jake's Good Morning America appearance (video in the previous post) and see what was really going on there:

00:00 - We hear him before we see him.  Jake giggles maniacally as our interviewer, Elizabeth Vargas, chastises him for his "heckling of the guests."

00:24 - Jake finally stops laughing, so now the interview can start.

00:25 - The guests Jake was just harassing break out into spontaneous applause.  Jake applauds with them because he, too, is excited that Jake Gyllenhaal is on Good Morning America.

00:45 - Jake tells us he did Prince of Persia because he literally wanted people to not be able to take him seriously.

01:03 - Jake gives us a plot synopsis.  Those of us at home marvel at how similar Dastan's upbringing is to Jake's.  (For instance, while Jake was never an orphan [probably], he did have his Bar Mitzvah at a homeless shelter because his family was so poor.  Also, Jake really does have a dagger that turns back time.)

01:33 - Jake forgets something he said one time in another interview, and finds his own words almost as hilarious as yelling at hapless guests in the audience.

01:42 - "Fist-fighting?" Jake asks, as if sounding out words from a language other than English.  Then, looking like his movements are beyond his control, his fists begin...fighting.

01:51 - Everyone is still laughing at Jake for not understanding fist-fighting.

02:00 - Jake defines parkour as "the ability to run from one place to another." 

02:29 - Jake brings up fist-fighting again, because he's still really, really confused about it.  He laughs nervously.  Elizabeth Vargas deftly switches subjects.

02:37 - 03:05 - Clip from Prince of Persia.

03:10 -Elizabeth tells Jake that the clip "deserves a round of applause."  Jake tells her that if she thought that was good, she should wait and see how slammin' his on-screen kissin' skillz are.  (Ow-ow!)

03:41 - Jake admits he can't tell the difference between a Southern accent and a British one.

04:01 - Jake gets very upset recounting the Moroccan heat.  "It's just so hard being an actor!" he says.

04:07 - Elizabeth calls Jake a "poor, overworked, sweaty thing," leading me to believe that for the past 57 seconds, her mind's been stuck on Jake bragging about his kissin' skillz.

04:22 - Jake's wrists again begin to duel.

04:56 - The issue of Jake's last name comes up.  I told Jake last week (in some comment) that he shouldn't have told people the wrong pronunciation, and now he takes 30 seconds to say to America, and the world, "Prophecy Girl was right!  Prophecy Girl is always right!"

05:30 - Jake tells us it's okay if we call him "Gylls."  But I think maybe I won't.

On second thought, maybe I will.

And that's it!

All in all, that was a lot of hilarity and bruised wrists packed into a sub-six-minute interview!  I think the message that we should all take away from this clip is how incredibly sweet it is that Jake managed to grow up in a homeless shelter without ever having to learn about fist-fighting.

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Prince of Persia Did Not (Totally) Fail Overseas!

Well, hi there, Jake!

Here is Jake looking oh-so-dapper dressed in fine linens and signing autographs for middle-aged men who are looking to make some money on eBay.  And where was this excitement taking place?  Why, outside of Good Morning America, of course!  We'll see if I can't scrounge up a video of Jake's (no doubt!) fantastic interview a little later.  (If so, I'll post it in this entry.)

UPDATE:  Here we go!

Prince of Persia, meanwhile, opened, like, all over the place overseas this weekend, and did fairly alright in most places but did freaking awesome in Spain.  Spain, therefore, is exempt from my wrath as I angrily convey the downside to the box office numbers, which is that Robin Hood actually won the weekend.  ISJ has no choice now but to Forever Protest the Existence of Russell Crowe.  What a freaking attention hog.

Forget him; let's all focus on someone much more low-key:

The gray-haired man on the right is just enraptured.  As well you should be, sir.  As well you should be.

Pictures from celebrity-gossip.net.

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The Daily Facebook: Whose Battery Are You Charging, Baby?

Today we hear from Jason "I'm so young PG can't see my profile picture because Facebook protects me from creepy older women like her" Rosado:

if you could be any kind of battery what kind of battery would you be?

ANSWER:  Jason, Jake would be a 9-volt battery, because he is nine levels of awesome and can always be counted on to charge up our smoke alarms.

Yeah, that's right, Jake.  You've got us all powered up.  And that was a fucking awesome question, Jason.  (For once.)  After that, I'm starting to get super-psyched about Jake's round of interviews this week.  What questions will he be asked?  What crazy-cool answers will he be giving?  Who's with me?  Who's ready for Jake on Good Morning America tomorrow?!*

* Which I will not be live-blogging because I have a doctor's appointment.  But I am all over Letterman tomorrow night!

Battery picture from gadgetshop.com.

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BREAKING: Jake Gyllenhaal Going About His Daily Life

That stride...the swing of his arms...the way he puts one foot in front of the other...that's right ladies and gentleman.  Jake Gyllenhaal is walking somewhere.  What a vision!

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The Daily Facebook and An Unrelated Picture of Jake!

This has nothing to do with anything.  I just never thought I'd see the day when Jake Gyllenhaal stood in front of a Radio Disney backdrop for a standardized photo op.  Smile, Jake!

Now to today's Facebook question!  Let's hear what Ula "Despite the question I submitted below, Prince of Persia is the only thing on all of Facebook that I have taken the time to actually 'Like'" Nejad has to ask:

its a failure already. 

ANSWER:  WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE AND WHY DO NONE OF YOU ASK ACTUAL QUESTIONS?

Also, Ula, it is not a failure, because it got me to start blogging again and what better reward is there on this earth for any actor, anywhere, than to have me write about him?  (Answer:  Nothing!!)

But thank you for your question.  Another exciting Q&A tomorrow, kids!

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Another Jake Gyllenhaal-Related YouTube Video That Deserves Our Immediate and Full Attention

Oh man, guys.  SHolmesComedy has done something so big, so lavishly-produced, so awesomely inappropriate, that I have no choice but to bestow yet another merit badge.  The lyrics!  The Jake masks!  The Bubble Boy poster!  (Seriously, where the hell would someone even get something like that?)  This video was begging to be rewarded.  And watched.  And encouraged.  I'm just so proud that I live in era in which all of these fine people -- all of you fine people! -- are so dedicated to Jake Gyllenhaal. 

Jesus, I'm starting to tear up...

So SHolmesComedy, I hereby present to you The Badge For Awesomely Inappropriate YouTube Productions:

Congratulations!  From the bottom of my heart, I must say you have gone above and beyond the call of duty in earning this badge.  Thank you for existing. (And from personal experience, I can tell you that the restraining order really isn't that bad!)

Thanks to Silver for the find!

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Jake's Exciting Television Schedule!

I have been hand-writing Jake's exciting television schedules for many, many years!  Since 2007, in fact.  And I alone possess the ability to present the material as professionally as possible, which is how Jake likes it:

And yes -- with the likely exception of the morning shows -- I will be live-blogging each and every one of these events because, to be quite honest, I'm unemployed, and thus don't really have anything better to do.  Consider this the Great Recession's personal gift to you.

(I'll also post this schedule in the sidebar a little later today so you don't have to go searching for this entry.  It's a high level of service that I offer around here!)

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Your Daily Roundup and Daily Facebook All In One!

Is it just me, or are we all just exhausted?  We've been waiting and waiting and waiting for Prince of Persia to come out, and now all the sudden there's more going on than we can possibly keep up with!  What's a devoted fan to do?!

Well, because I am such a soldier for the cause, I have taken it upon myself to provide you with a list of Friday night reading material to help you get caught up.  And by "I have taken it upon myself," I mean that I am giving you a list of links that coffeecat e-mailed to me, because I was too busy making merit badges today to look up Jake news (oops!).  coffeecat definitely should earn a merit badge for this:

Congratulations, coffeecat! 

(And a hint to those of you who want to earn a badge:  this one is one I will likely be handing out often.)

So, here is your required reading, which I am listing in summarized form in case any of you are too busy [read:  uncommitted and awful] to actually read the articles:

Jake, humble as ever.

Jake, of course he sings!!!!

Jake, suddenly interested in talking to us.

Jake, no longer taking himself seriously so stop acting like he is!

Jake, loving the sound of his own voice.

Thank you, Jake!

And now on to The Daily Facebook!  Today's question comes from Shannon "I spend more time on my hair than I do on my questions for the Prince of Persia Facebook page" Hennis Duke, who writes:

yes i do , when is jake coming to atlanta to take me out ?

ANSWER:  Never.  And the day after never.

Your participation is appreciated Shannon!  You're not merit badge material just yet, but we do appreciate your interest in Jake Gyllenhaal.  Till tomorrow...

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Exciting Merit Badge News/Awards Ceremony

Well, well, Jake fans.  I must say I am impressed.  I have seen some pretty damned good performances from you all in the past few days.  And with gyllenhaalic4jake's decorating prowess setting a new standard for dedication?  Well, I thought it was time we kicked this merit badge thing into high gear.

Which is why I formally introduce the I'm Stalking Jake Merit Badge Program for Excellence In Stalking Jake (ISJMBPFEISJ - trademark pending).

So far, randomhero2006 is ahead of all of you for having earned two badges:  The Badge For Exceptional Sock Research (redesigned below) and The Badge For Valor on the Red Carpet.

And now, with great pleasure, I hand over our first Badge For Outstanding Home Decorating.  Wear it well gyllenhaalic4jake.  You've earned it!

And while I'm handing out awards, I would like to give S4M985 and Cantara Christopher The Badge For Promoting Me All Over the Damn Internet.  Thank you, both!  And I know, I know...a little icon from me is worth so much in comparison to the work you've done.  But what can I say?  I'm the generous type.

More badges to come!  And more Jake news.  Check back a little later for a daily roundup and (of course) the Facebook Question of the Day.  It's a lot of work being a Jake fan, guys.  And if it wasn't so damned much work making these badges, I would have made one for everyone who's commented so far (give me time!).

And no, I have no idea what you're going to do with these.  Except, of course, collect them all and brag to your friends about how awesome they are.

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This Jake Gyllenhaal Fan is More Dedicated Than You Are, So You Suck

Today I introduce you to a true fan.  A real fan.  I want all of you to watch this and then I want you to think about what you should change in your own lives based on gyllenhaalic4jake's example.  Quite frankly, until each and every one of you has a Jake Gyllenhaal light switch in your bedroom, I will have no choice but to consider all of you failures in life...

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Jake Responds to My Twitter Story. Plus, The Daily Facebook!

Jake Gyllenhaal, who follows my every move because he is totally obsessed with me, read the post I wrote earlier this week, which I only published after we talked, personally, about his concerns with Twitter impersonators.  Convinced that he needed to help me get the word out, Jake reiterated my entire post in this interview.  Ironically, Jake didn't tell me he was doing this, so I had to find out via...Twitter.

Jake Gyllenhaal:  A Man Who Hates Twitter

IN OTHER NEWS, it's that time of day again!  Today's Facebook question come from Levi "I belong to two different groups dedicated to the size of my arm muscles but my profile picture suggests muscle mass in any form is just wishful thinking on my part" Hayden Hargrove, who asks:

Some pretty dumb questions not all but some sheesh

ANSWER:  Levi, how strange you would ask that since your question is also pretty dumb.

(But to let you in on a secret, as long as you go see the movie, no one really cares what you write!  Clearly.)

Thank you, Levi!

And thank you, Jake, for backing up everything I say about you always.  And don't worry about not being on Facebook, either.  I got that covered, bro.

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Agent Wins Merit Badge for Exceptional Sock Research

ISJ's very own randomhero2006 has gone above and beyond the call of duty and made the rest of you look like lazy slackers.  After conducting extensive research of Jake's ankle region, she has concluded, with 100% accuracy and certainty, that Jake Gyllenhaal was wearing socks yesterday.

This is crucial to our understanding of Jake, and leads to the proudest moment in the past two years of my life.  So, without any further ado, I present to you:

 SOCK WATCH: COMEBACK EDITION

 

• COLOR:  Shoe-complementing muddy gray (perhaps with hidden stripes?)
• TYPE:  Brimming with wholesome, cottony goodness
• HEIGHT:  Unacceptably low
• OVERALL STATUS:  Disappointing to the point of humiliating 

In conclusion, Jake Gyllenhaal is not unattractive because he doesn't wear socks, he's unattractive because he doesn't wear socks people can see.

*******

If you would like to win an ISJ! Merit Badge, then just do something at least as awesome as figuring out whether or not Jake was wearing socks in a paparazzi picture.  Rest assured your efforts will be rewarded.

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